


Maybe Bitchin' Will Be Our Always

by fishflake



Category: Steel Panther
Genre: M/M, but what's new, satchel is conceited and lexxi is dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 06:44:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20756066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishflake/pseuds/fishflake
Summary: He's surrounded by all the drugs and booze and naked chicks anyone could ever ask for—he just fucked a super hot bitch in the kitchen, like, five hours ago—but this is how he's chosen to spend his last hours, melting from the inside out watching how utterly enraptured and ecstatic Lexxi is with his stupid fucking hairspray flamethrower.





	Maybe Bitchin' Will Be Our Always

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this a while ago to rockfic and never posted it here because there's not really any steel panther fic here so presumably not an established audience for it but you know what? i don't care anymore here you go anyways ao3

God, Lexxi is so fucking stupid, he's so fucking stupid and he's so fucking _cute_.

It's infuriating. Satchel catches something bright in the corner of his eye and looks over and it's Lexxi making a flamethrower with his hairspray before a crowd of girls, with a look of such absolute glee on his face that Satchel's heart swells. 

The world is ending tomorrow and the sun's already set tonight. This is it, this is how Satchel is going to be spending his last moments. He almost wants to cry. He's surrounded by all the drugs and booze and naked chicks anyone could ever ask for - he just fucked a super hot bitch in the kitchen, like, five hours ago - but this is how he's chosen to spend his last hours, melting from the inside out watching how utterly enraptured and ecstatic Lexxi is with his stupid fucking hairspray flamethrower.

He doesn't realize he's fully staring until Stix slinks up behind him. "Fuck it, the world's ending tomorrow. Just tell him."

And of course Stix thinks it's that fucking easy. If it was that easy Satchel would just do it on any old day because even if he got rejected (which he wouldn't, have you ever looked at him? He's hot as _fuck_, who would say no to his face?) Lexxi is dumb as a fucking post and would probably forget all about it in a week, so Satchel doesn't have to worry about embarrassing himself.

Satchel's worry is that Lexxi is just so genuinely, awe-inspiringly dumb that there's not really a point in telling him you're in love with him, because Satchel's pretty sure Lexxi's not capable of deep, emotional love, let alone maintaining a relationship that fosters it. Everything is surface-level for Lexxi because he doesn't have anything beneath the surface. He might love things like you love a picture of a kitten on the internet, or like you love a slice of apple pie. Satchel would much rather be head over heels in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate than find out they reciprocate but only on the level of puppy love. Something about having just a taste of what he wants is so viscerally worse than having nothing at all.

"If you're not gonna tell him, I will," Stix threatens, and Satchel's life flashes before his eyes.

"I'll fucking kill you."

"The world is ending tomorrow, dude, I don't give a fuck if you kill me."

He's right, of course, and Satchel starts feeling sick as he realizes there's literally no way he can blackmail Stix into not doing this. The world is ending tomorrow, who gives a shit what happens tonight? Definitely not Stix, who generally doesn't give a shit about anything anyways.

"_Please,_" is the best rebuttal Satchel can muster. He wants to tack on something along the lines of "I don't deserve this," but he totally does deserve this. It actually might just be karma for all the bad shit he's done when Stix just smiles and walks away, fully heading in Lexxi's direction.

For a few long moments Satchel just stares at Stix. He briefly considers killing himself - fuck it, he'll be dead tomorrow anyways - but then he realizes something. Namely, how completely fucking emasculating it is for Stix to do this to him. 

So fuck it. If Lexxi is gonna find out from anyone, he's gonna find out from Satchel, goddamn it.

He chases after Stix, and gets there just in time to hear Stix opening with "you wanna hear some shit about Satchel I just found out?" so thank god Satchel interrupted because Stix was totally gonna fuck this up. "Oh, hey Satchel. You gonna tell us your secret?"

"I'm gonna tell _Lexxi_," he stresses, and shoves Stix out of the way. Stix takes the hint, but not without laughing first in a way that makes Satchel want to abort mission and spend his last moments on Earth beating the shit out of him.

When Stix finally slinks away, Satchel is left alone and face-to-face with Lexxi. Lexxi looks like a deer in headlights, but that doesn't say much about the situation, because when doesn't he?

Satchel's mouth is suddenly very dry. This is horrible. If the Devil hadn't banned the band from hell Stix would definitely be going there tomorrow. "Listen, Lexxi, fuck. Pay attention cuz this is gonna be difficult shit for your two brain cells to handle, and I don't want to have to explain this shit to you more than once."

"Okay," Lexxi says, twirling a lock of hair around his finger. "I'm listening."

"I fucking...I think I'm in love with you, Lexxi. Really in love with you. Like I don't just want to fuck you - I do want to fuck you, you're hot as fuck, your hair is bitchin' and your ass is so hot, and your dick is so big - but I'm also so obsessed with you, like I think about you all the time, and I miss you so much when we're not on tour, so I think I really fucking love you. So do what you want with that."

Lexxi looks really contemplative. This was a mistake. 

"I think I want to kiss you."

This was _not_ a mistake, holy fucking shit. Fuck all of Satchel's principles, Lexxi can go ahead and have the most shallow feelings in the world for Satchel, he can go ahead and not even have feelings for Satchel at all, as long as he says things like "I think I want to kiss you" that make Satchel's heart feel like it got ripped out of his chest and chucked 90 miles per hour at the nearest wall.

So of course Satchel kisses him, with all the fucking ferocity of someone who waited until the day before the apocalypse to reveal his feelings for someone just for them to reciprocate as quickly and as simply as the phrase "I think I want to kiss you."

"I'm- I'm really- I- I really fucking love you too," Lexxi says when they break apart, and Satchel wants to cry. He kisses Lexxi again instead, at least partially because Lexxi looks like he's about to try to articulate his feelings for Satchel and as much of an ego boost as that would be, Satchel doesn't want to be here until the very moment the world ends.

Lexxi's hands tangle in Satchel's hair and Satchel decides this is it, this is how he wants the world to end. He is absolutely content with dying like this. 

Of course, then Lexxi suggests they find a bedroom in Michael's house, and Satchel is perfectly content dying like that, too.

-

Satchel wakes up to gentle sunlight in a king-sized bed, surrounded by pristine white linen and draped over someone distinctly Lexxi-like.

It _is_ Lexxi, his chest gently rising and falling as he sleeps peacefully, looking like an absolute angel. Satchel's stomach churns.

"Oh my god," he says out loud, Lexxi's sleep be damned, rubbing his hands over his face. He can put two and two together. The world was supposed to end, and now he's surrounded by soft white stuff, warm sun, and the object of his affections. "If this is heaven I'm gonna be so fucking pissed. I know the Devil said he wouldn't let us into hell, but fuck, _heaven_?"

"Mm," Lexxi says, eyes still shut, tugging Satchel back into his arms. "This is still Michael's house. I think the world didn't end."

Satchel looks around the room and yeah, this is definitely still Michael's house, and Michael's house is probably not heaven. Thank fucking god. 

"And you're still...like last night...you don't..." Jesus Christ, it's only been one night and being around Lexxi is already destroying Satchel's brain cells. "Like we didn't just fuck cuz the world was ending, right?"

"No?" Lexxi says. "No, that was bitchin', and I'm really happy right now, and you smell nice. We should keep doing this even when the world's not ending."

Satchel was so wrong. Lexxi's puppy love isn't unsatisfying, it's the most endearing thing in the world. This is perfect. He snuggles up closer next to Lexxi.

"Bitchin'."


End file.
